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A Miscellany 71
Lyonism: The bigger better replacement theory of everything

by Wilfred Lyon

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I have decided that since Intelligent Design is going down the tube, that we need a new pseudo-scientific belief that cannot be tested, but if believed, explains everything.  This new science is Lyonism. 

Lyonism is a neo-Berkley philosophy that can be taught just like legitimate science.  Berkley was, as my somewhat enfeebled mind remembers, an 18th century philosopher.  His belief was that there was no reality, everything was created by his mind, and, well, his students minds invented him, too, just as he invented them.  Just like Bob Dylan's "I'll let you be in my dream if you'll let me be in yours,"

Lyonism is the belief that everything was created just 5 minutes ago, I mean everything, the whole universe just as it is now, the geologic strata, the ratio of radioactive isotopes to indicate that the earth is 6 billion years old, the red shift, relics, Lucy, everything.  We were created with memories of everything that we believe that we know before five minutes ago, memories of a mother and father, being raised, memories of my children, everyone that I believe that I have met, every event that I believe has happened to me.  They in turn were created five minutes ago with memories of me, coincident memories of interacting with me, memories of their own experiences.

  The beauty of Lyonism is that it explains everything, all controversies, known "facts", everything, and it CANNOT BE DISPROVED.  All you have to do is believe that everything was created just five minutes ago.  The other beauty is that like all other hypothetical constructs, it is self-consistent, it requires only belief and cannot be proved or disproved.  It does not need a belief in a higher power, an intelligent designer, or even evolution to create it.  Just like the big bang theory, it is simply the beginning of everything.

I am a genius.  Now go and spread the WORD of Lyonism.  Each convert should honor my genius and send me a dollar.