Secret Documents of the Church
You are reading our secrets... right now. Don't tell anyone. Or if you do, charge a hefty fee for your inside information. And we want a 15% kickback.
Actually the only Church secret is its membership. Not even we know the complete membership, thanks to the loss of a hard drive a few years ago.
By the way, our membership mailing list is not for rent and not for sale. It is not for any use except Church business. Or Church business is what we would use it for if we actually kept a mailing list. We don't.