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Could it have been Adam and (St)Eve?

from: P. Woods

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Dear Most Highest Patriarch,

I heard some fundy screeching that Adam and Steve foolishness the other day and I decided to read up on that whole thing in Genesis for myself. My conclusions have left me a bit confused. I think that I may have overlooked something and was writing to see of you would point out any flaws in my interpretation of the following verses:

In Genesis 2:21-22 God causes a deep sleep to come over Adam and then takes a rib from Adam to make Eve. In other words, God puts Adam to sleep in order to surgically extract a DNA sample from him, his rib, to be exact, to clone another person. (I find that to be an exceptionally large sample of DNA, by the way. Remember Dolly the sheep? Humans did that one with just one cell. Of course, we also had an ovum and a ewe to implant the sheep embryo in, and God didn't have a human female to do use at that point in time.) Also, we know that any sample of DNA from a person is specific to that person and does not change. That fact is helping to solve crimes, establish paternity and are getting people released from death row. Since the source material came from a dude, Adam, then the sample taken from Adam would always be Adam's and therefore male. Any clone made from the sample would be an exact genetic match for Adam. That means that God made? Steve. But apparently God did some serious genetic work to change every one of the rib's Y chromosomes to an X so that the potential-Steve would change from male to female. Steve is now Eve and we know how all the rest unfolded.

So here is my question: Are the fundies right or wrong? It seems to me that they are wrong and that it WAS Adam and Steve...at least until the world's most detailed gender reassignment operation, anyway.

What do you think?

Thank you for your time,

The Patriarch replies:

Dear P. Woods.

Thank you for your question, though this is not an issue that causes me sleepless nights.

The simple answer, of course, is that God can do anything. That idea suffices to satisfy the Bible literalists who claim that God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

But in reality while God can indeed do anything such as lifting the stone that He created to be too big for Him to lift, God chooses not to. God chooses to play within the rules.

Accordingly, we should look deeper, and I am guided in this endeavor by Daniel Chavez who this week wrote to me in response to The Oldest Book in the World, saying of God: "He has lots of knowledge in medicine and DNA." [1] I am also guided by God's own instruction (correctly spelled for a change) "Go fourth and multiply" which contains the key to the true answer to your question.

God's reported knowledge in medicine and DNA seems to be entirely in accord with your view that God worked at the DNA level to produce Adam's initial partner. As you suggest, men have the chromosome pairing XY and women have the pairing XX. So, simply cloning Adam would result in another male - not even a Steve, but just another Adam.

Remember, this was in the early days of DNA research and that's why God required such a large sample (the whole rib) - he knew this would be a trial-and-error project to come up with an appropriate solution. And there were lots of trials and lots of errors.

The initial Adam1 and Adam2 pairing just did not work. Adam had low self-esteem, and just did not like himself. The self-esteem issue caused Adam to kill himself. Because they were such good clones, God never figured out which one the survivor was.

So as a second effort, God introduced random genetic mutations into samples of Adam's DNA. Obviously, this element of randomness is where the heretical followers of Darwin got their mistaken ideas about evolution. The initial results were near failures - we'll call them Frankensteves (there were no FrankenAls produced until the 20th century, but that's another story.) After many false starts, a high quality Steve was produced.

Steve and Adam got along great, but God noticed that no matter what type of coupling went on between the two, (and indeed there were many) the desired outcome of raising a little Cain was not being achieved. And that's when He decided to duplicate Adam's x and snick out the y in the next series of experiments. Again, the initial outcomes were questionable resulting in a series of Frankeneves. Eventually a really, really hot Eve was produced. She was hot enough to get both Steve and Adam straight, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

So Adam and Eve and Steve lived happily ever after doing all sorts of stuff that we need not go into details about here - but there were a lot of descendents as God wanted.[2] And one of those descendents, Moses the Prude, embarrassed over his heritage, just edited Steve out of the story when he got the job of writing the family history.

To summarize

But, there are still a few loose ends to tie up.

The Frankensteves and Frankeneves discovered each other and went on to become the Neandertals whose descendants still live on into the present day as players of English rugby, and the American, Canadian, and Australian versions of football.

As for the y chromosome that God snipped from Adam's DNA sample; God kept that on ice for 4,000 years and used it when he impregnated Mary. After all, without Adam's y, Jesus would have been a girl and the marriage to Mary Magdalene would have been an endorsement of gay marriage. Now that would never do.

Footnotes:

  1. Actually, Mr Chavez wrote he have lats of nolage in medisin and DNA and I did a minor amount of editing to render his ideas publishable.
  2. Remember, God said "Go fourth and multiply" and of course the fourth (after the two Adams and Steve) was Eve who gave the surviving group the ability to multiply.