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Ask the Patriarch 195
I need spiritual and material help.

from: Emmanuel Dornubari Feeghe

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I need some form of spiritual and material help.  The situation goes worse daily.  For instance, my only car knocked engine in September, by October my apartment was gulfed by fire, my children all sick at the same time; my creditors instituting legal and Police cases against me following my inability to liquidate loans advanced to me to the tune of $60,000.  In fact, I no longer pay my children fees let alone mine.  Please advice me accordingly.

The Patriarch replies:

Dear Emmanuel:

I have to admit on reading your tale of woe, I considered it was so far-fetched that it had to be a joke. And I laughed.

But perhaps I was wrong and you really have truly suffered this extraordinary chain of misfortune. In that case I apologize for my laughter and offer my sympathy. But nothing more. This is an agnostic church, and as such, I am not qualified to offer spiritual help. And as for material help - as is made clear in this site we ask for no donations, and thus lack the resources to provide material assistance.

But I don't think you need help at all. Based on your IP address, it is my opinion that you have written to me from an internet cafe in Nigeria.[1] I think you rented computer time to do a keyword search on "church," and then followed up with your begging message to multiple churches. I think your story is a pack of lies.

The only reason I am publishing this is to get your name out there - so that if anyone else on your sucker list chooses to do some research before offering assistance, they will find this and be advised to carefully consider before offering material assistance.

Emmanuel: in spite of your name and the season, I am not feeling goodwill towards you or anyone who tries to scam me with fraudulent tall tales.[3] I do believe strongly in giving to charity, but only if due diligence is possible so that I have assurance that my personal funds are spent as intended.

Sincerely

John Tyrrell

Notes:

  1. Any request originating from Nigeria is automatically suspect. It is unfortunate. Blessed with great wealth from natural resources, the people of Nigeria should be the richest in Africa, but the royalties have been ruthlessly stolen[2] by a succession of kleptocratic governments. And those who should have been honestly and gainfully employed in a robust economy under an uncorrupt regime have turned to international internet fraud to make a living.
  2. The amount stolen by the various Nigerian government leaders over the years exceeds the total aid ever given to all African countries by western nations and aid agencies.
  3. Emmanuel replied (19 December) to my dismissive email response (the first draft of this article) sent earlier in the week with the following:
    Thank you for taking the pains to reply me at least.  However, I think your response was rather harsh and very unfriendly.  I never sent you pack of lies, my dear.  I did request that you advice me accordingly.  I am sure I meant no harm by that statement.  In my thinking, I thought joining your organization (or philosophical-thought bias) would help me in my spiritual awakening and truth seeking. 

    All in all, guide me with your comments accordingly.

    Seasons greetings.

    I leave it to the reader to determine if I was indeed too harsh in my reply. There is no question that it was unfriendly. I have had too many requests for varieties of "material support" from those who have clearly not taken the time or effort to investigate this site.