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Ask the Patriarch 30
We will work under your banner...

by Pastor Kavuri Parisuddharao

Note: From India. Submitted in the comments field of ordination request from yet another already ordained Christian minister. This article has been edited for spelling, grammar, and punctuation because clearly the author was writing in his second or third language. (A courtesy you may have noted that I don't extend to Christian ministers writing in their primary language.)

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Dear Brother in Christ.

We are 20 pastors co-working independently in tribal areas. We need your help. We are also willing to work under your BANNER. On hearing from you, we shall give full details of our ministry as well as our needs.

Please remember our ministry in your daily prayers. We are all praying for your ministry.

Please send your kindly reply.

Please pray for us.

Thanking you

Pastor K. Parisuddharao

The patriarch replies:

Dear Pastor Parisuddharao

I regret to advise you I am not your brother in Christ, I won't be praying for you, and your prayers for me are unnecessary. It's all quite inconsistent with my agnosticism.

I appreciate your offer to work under my church's banner. Lacking a banner, I suggest you consider working in the tank tops we offer at quite a reasonable price in our store. They have a message printed across the front: "If there is a god, (which I doubt,) then my god can beat up your god."

You may perhaps have theological doubts about the first two clauses of this logo, but rest assured the remainder captures the very essence of missionary work. Why else would anyone trade in their gods for your's?

And you will be content in knowing that the profits from selling twenty tank tops to your group will just about enable me to extend my ownership of the ApatheticAgnostic.com url for another year, much more relevant assistance to my own ministry than your prayers.