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Ask the Patriarch 8
Please send money to conduct my ministry.

From Name Withheld

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Dear Sir:

Thank you for ordaining me. I will start my new ministry soon. First, I need assistance to set up an office. I don't need much, just money for office furniture and supplies.

Thank you

Reverend x________ x_________

The Patriarch of the Church responds:

Dear Reverend x________ x_________

How very wise of you to determine that in spite of the fact we charge nothing for our degrees and ordinations and we do not request donations, yet somehow we have funds available to assist individuals to set up their personal ministries.

Unfortunately we do not have sufficient funds for everyone, only for those who obtain additional specified qualifications so as to demonstrate their seriousness and their ability to handle money.

IUN's[1] Artur Andersson[2] School of Ecclesiastical Financial Management offers Bachelor, Masters, and Ph.D. degrees in Parochial Accounting Techniques. Once you obtain one of these degrees you may apply for a start-up grant[3] to conduct your ministry as follows:

You may request as many grants as you collect degrees from IUN's Artur Andersson School of Ecclesiastical Financial Management. For example, if you need $1,200,000 to start your ministry, simply qualify for 200 Doctorates in Parochial Accounting Techniques. It's as easy as that. And you can spend the money on whatever you want, as long as you are able, by applying your skills in Parochial Accounting, to justify to yourself (and to tax authorities, if applicable) that the expenses are related to your ministry.

How do you obtain one of these degrees? Unlike our other range of degrees, we have to charge a small administrative fee[3] to cover expenses. After all, we must practice sound financial management in at least this particular area. You may apply for a Bachelor of Parochial Accounting Techniques degree for only $1000, the Masters degree for $5000, and the Ph.D. for $10,000. And in return, you get not only a fine degree, but a valuable lesson in personal financial management.

Looking forward to your application(s).

Footnotes:

  1. This school is located on the Main Campus of the International University of Nescience. Degrees obtained from one of our satellite campuses do not qualify.
  2. The Artur Andersson School of Ecclesiastical Financial Management is not associated with any accounting firm of a similar name.
  3. Grants and fees[4] valid as of March 2014 and subject to change.
  4. Grants and fees are payable in the same currency. Qualify for your degree with US dollars, the grant is in US dollars; qualify for your degree with Canadian dollars, the grant is in Canadian dollars; qualify for your degree with Hong Kong dollars, the grant is in Hong Kong dollars; etc.

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