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A Miscellany 435
The New God

by: Roy L. Cover

Most everything I write resides firmly outside the mainstream, but maybe fellow agnostics will get a kick of The New God--even though inspiration for a piece like this can come only from a higher power. Or from several cans of the nectar of the gods, which is usually high enough for me.

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The Book of Revelation was finished and sent to the presses. It had been a helluva tough job writing The Old Testament in longhand, but it was finally done.

God kicked off his sandals, stretched out on a cloud, and relaxed for the first time in over six thousand years–according to some Biblical scholars He knew would come along in another thousand or so years and calculate the exact time it had taken Him to create the heavens and Earth, bury a bunch of dinosaur bones here and there, and all that other stuff He would be credited for doing.

But, after an indeterminate nap time and several nectar of the gods libations, God became restless. It wasn’t in His nature to just lie around and do nothing. He needed a purpose in Eternity. A challenge. But what to do if you already know how everything is going to turn out before you even start anything?

Of course, God already knew the answer to His own question before He asked it. All He needed do is watch His children down on Earth and find out what challenged them the most. That would probably not be much be of a challenge to Him, but it might prove to be an interesting experiment.

After a lengthy millionth of a nanosecond survey of His creation, it became clear that the most unpredictable things in it were children. Not just the kids He created–who had been quite a handful over the years–but the children of his kids were obviously the most unpredictable and frustrating things on the planet. His course was clear. He must father a child of his own.

Another millionth of a nanosecond contemplation, however, showed Him that solution was a bit simplistic. He had, after all, “fathered” a slew of children down there–even slew a few–but He still knew pretty much what they were up to all the time. No, something more unpredictable had to be created here. Something new.

That was it, something new!

God would create a New Testament. His private choir burst forth in song in a predated Handel composition by over a thousand years–the exact time to be calculated by some future Biblical scholars at a later date–and filled the Heavens with Hallelujah.

Naturally, there were a few things He had to work out before the actual New Testament could get under way. First, what kind of kid? Boy, girl? And with God as a father, this kid will need a lot of class. Panache. Unfortunately, that might be a bit tricky with the Romans currently on top of the heap down there. They pretty much had the last word in high fashion. Of course He could always wait till the French ruled the fashion industry, but He was impatient for some action.

All these were mere trivialities for a god, though. And not just any god, either. This was GOD.

His first hurdle wasn’t too difficult, even taking in consideration He was the One who set the bar height in the first place. In those days, females were not cherished like they were to become in later years–Biblical scholars are still working on that precise date–so it was obvious the kid had to be male. But different. Not too different, or odd, of course. Just something to set him apart without the neighbors whispering things about him.

That last part kinda ruled out the old mud molding thing. But what the hell, He had already done that in the Old Testament. After all, this was going to be a New Testament. Another millionth of a nanosecond’s contemplation brought forth fruits. Granted, there were a few loose ends, but they could be edited before press time.

“My Son,” He said to Himself, “will have free will to do whatever He wants. Not like the free will I gave to those others. Maybe a few pre-birth suggestions here and there, but mostly free will. The main thing is He will go about His business incognito until I think the time is right to spring the big news about Him.”

With that, He sent His seed down to Earth to a woman of child bearing age at random. She would bear His son on what some Biblical scholars declared to be Christmas Day. Or maybe some politician declared it. God had more important things on His mind besides future holidays.

When His seed entered the woman, she writhed in either ecstasy or agony. He couldn’t figured out which until He looked closer. “Oh-My-Self!” He exclaimed. “She’s a bloody virgin! Who in Hell would ever think to check out something like that with a woman her age in this day and time?”

With that revelation–the New Testament one–the project nearly died a pre-life death (those things are possible with God). Since the incognito thing had soured, God nearly tore up the unfinished manuscript right then and there. Then He remembered how gullible His children were about things, so He simply let them think His Son’s birth was just another one of His miracles.  He decided to sit back and watch it play out in real time–the exact time was calculated by some bored Biblical scholars yet to come along with the advent of calculators.

There wasn’t much going on in His Son’s youth. So He blinked His eyes, and after waking up from His nap, saw that His Son had been wasting his time by doing nothing but fishing with His worthless buddies and hitting the wine-filled goat skins all the time.

God had had enough. He looked down on the Sea of Gallilee and spotted Jesus’ bass boat. He never did like that name they gave him. Too foreign sounding. “I mean,” He mumbled to Himself, “for My Son’s sake, what the Hell’s wrong with God Junior? I didn’t want the New Testament to be that new. I mean there were some pretty cool stuff about Me in the Old Testament. No sense in throwing the baby out with the baptism.”

So He had made it a point not use the name, Jesus in public. “Hey!” He boomed so loud the Sphinx’s nose fell off.

Jesus stopped in the middle of telling His favorite off-color joke. “Hey, Yourself. You’re scarin’ the fishes. ‘Sup, man?”

“I’ve been watching You.”

“So have the chicks.” His posse snickered.

“Humpf,” God evoked. “I’ve seen some of those chicks as you call them. Have you taken a good look at your current girlfriend’s mother lately? Well that’s how your main squeeze is going to look when she gets that age. Oh that’s right, You won’t be around then.”

“Huh?”

“I said You’ll down a few brews by then.”

“Oh.”

“Which brings up another thing. You’re hitting the old wine cask pretty heavy lately. Word around is You’re even making it Yourself now.”

“I can stop anytime I want.”

“I’m not asking You to stop, just cut down a little.”

“You can’t tell me what to do. You’re not my father.”

“That’s another little thing I’ve been meaning to talk to You about.”

“Well I hope it won’t take long. I’ve got this rap gig on shore in a few sands through the hourglass.”

“This won’t take long. Walk with me.”

“But we’re in the middle of the sea, Man.”

“Yeah. But after a few steps I think You’ll start to get the picture.”

Did I just hear thunder, or was that somebody waking up?

                                                                - end -

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