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A Miscellany 308
Atheists and Agnostics Worried There's No Hell for Rush Limbaugh

by: Richard Cahill (website)

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The American atheist and agnostic community is worried that they don't believe in a hell for Rush Limbaugh to go to when he dies. A spokesman for the Secular Coalition For America, speaking on a condition of anonymity, said "Frankly, it's hurting membership. People cling to religion just because they want to imagine Rush Limbaugh roasting like a giant greasy dumpling in the fires of Hell for all eternity."

Limbaugh, who recently made headlines for making fun of Japan's tsunami victims, is currently pictured by adherents of the Judeo-Christian-Islamic religious tradition dying and then being tormented ceaselessly in the hereafter by the imps of Satan. Even Buddhists, who don't have a place of perpetual damnation in their cosmology, can envision thecorpulent drug addict returning to this plane of existence reincarnated as a tapeworm. "Maybe even a tapeworm inside a tapeworm," they say, their eyes losing their Zen calm for a moment to twinkle at the prospect. "Maybe a tapeworm inside a tapeworm inside Charlie Sheen's liver."

Whereas, as our atheist spokesman admits, "We got nothin.' He just ceases to be a point of consciousness, just like the rest of us. Wish we could do better."

Meanwhile, at the National Institute of Science, researchers are trying to develop a way to preserve Limbaugh's consciousness after his physical body is dead, and inject it into someplace really hot, like maybe the inside of one of those crippled nuclear reactors in Japan, just in case the atheists are right and there is no real Hell in which to punish Limbaugh. "Of course, those reactors won't stay hot for all eternity," one of the researchers was quoted as saying. "Maybe for only sixty thousand years or so. Still, everybody here thinks the chance is well worth the research dollars."