by: John Tyrrell
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Bryan Fischer, spokesman for the American Family Association, a fundamentalist Christian group, has apparently come up with a solution to the question of what holds atomic nuclei together. It's Jesus. I wonder how scientists missed this. But Bryan Fischer has solved it for them.*
It like the Mathematics professor at Trinity Western University who taught in Business 275, Quantitative Methods that God is the God of Chances and He guarantees that statistics will hold. Apparently, in a division of responsibilities, God looks after the mathematics and Jesus looks after the nuclei.
How did that come to happen? I guess we have to look back to the very time of Creation. Perhaps the conversation between God and Jesus went something like this:
God: Jesus, will you come over here for a moment, I need a hand.
Jesus: Oh Dad, does it have to be now. I have a date with Minerva, and she might finally put out.
God: Right now! Honour your father, please. And stay away from that Minerva - she thinks she's so damn smart.
Jesus: OK. What is it?
God: I'm making a universe and I need you to hold these nuclei together. I can't have them flying apart or it's not going to work.
Jesus: Can't you do it by yourself - I've really got a great chance to get into Minerva's pants.
God: It's tricky enough for me to look after the math involved. I really need you here to hold the nuclei together. There's only about 1082 of them for you to control. And don't worry about the electrons - the Holy Ghost is handling them.
Five days later...
Jesus: How much longer do I need to do this? I'm getting kind of bored. Besides, Minerva isn't going to save it for me forever, you know.
God: For eternity. Or until I get mad at humanity and destroy it all. Just be patient.
Jesus: I could be stuck with doing this forever? That's ridiculous. Couldn't you have made these things stick together on their own. You could have created some kind of force - perhaps a strong force at the nuclear level - which would hold it all together.
God: Are you criticizing me? I just looked at my work and I saw it was good. I'm not changing a damn thing.
Jesus: When these people you created get smart enough to see what you've done - requiring non-stop supernatural involvement to guarantee things stay together, non-stop supernatural involvement to make mathematics work consistently, they are not going to view the design as particularly intelligent - they are going to call it dumb design.
God: One more word out of you, my son, and I'm going to have you begotten and crucified.
Jesus: It's still dumb design, Dad. Really dumb design.
* I guess the implication is that natural radioactive decay is the result Jesus screwing up. There's just too many nuclei for Jesus to keep them all together all the time. Which brings us to our project for fundamentalist Christian Sunday school teachers.
Show your students that Jesus exists
1. Borrow a Geiger counter from the science department at a local university. Ask them to show you the settings to detect background radiation. Tell them it's for a school science project. (Don't tell them your true intentions - they are all atheists in those universities.)
2. Turn the Geiger counter on in your Sunday School class. Tell the students to listen to the clicks. (Don't worry, there will be clicks - God makes sure there is lots of radon in all the church basements where Sunday school is held.)
3. Tell the children that the clicks are Jesus signalling his presence to them by letting a few nuclei decay. then tell them that this proves beyond a shadow of doubt that Jesus exists.
4. If there are any questions, tell the children: "It's in the bible. Read the bible. Don't question the teacher."
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