God is a guy
by: Richard Cahill (website)
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Whether or not you believe in God, you have to admit that Darwin had a big couple weeks, what with Ryan Dunn cementing his claim to be the ultimate Jackass by killing himself off-roading at 130 miles an hour and a New York man dying of a head injury when he crashed his motorcycle while deliberately not wearing a helmet in order to protest compulsory helmet laws in New York.
Both of these events represent natural selection at its most vigorous, but if your faith in the Almighty remains unshaken by them, no doubt you've often wondered about the sex of God. Traditionally, at least in the tradition that most of us were raised in, God is depicted as male. Lately some revisionists, such as Ellen DeGeneres and the writer of this awful pop song have argued that God is a woman. It has become fashionable to think of the Almighty as female. It's de rigueur among feminists.
It is also nonsense. It's pretty obvious, from the haphazard nature of existence, that God is male. Whether you conceive of Him as bearded blaster, ever on the lookout for stuff to smite, or just a sweet lump of eternal cookie dough, radiating sugary love throughout the cosmos, there's no doubt He's a dude.
The evidence is all around us. The Universe began with a Big Bang. If God was a woman, She would not have begun creation with a process so easily satirized. She would have started with a glass of wine and some nice appetizers. Other astronomical features provide ample evidence that God is one of the guys. If God were a woman, the universe would be neater. Cosmic dust would be replaced by cosmic dusting. It would be smaller. It's tough to keep infinity clean.
Supernovae would not exist. Stars would not just explode in Her place, though it's easy to see a male Almighty setting off a few stellar explosions just to impress His friends, especially if they were having a kegger in the garage. Likewise black holes. If She wanted matter to be sucked out of the Universe and disappear forever, She would just forbid you to talk about it. Ever. Did you hear Her when she said ever?
Geology provides further examples. If God were a woman, there would be no continental drift. The continents would stay exactly where She put them, or else there would be big trouble. The author remembers his own mother uttering these baleful words to his ten-year old self, every time she left the house: "Everything had better be right where I left it when I get back!" Would a lady Supreme Deity expect any less out of her Creation?
Tsunamis, earthquakes, mudslides, volcanoes—these are all further evidence of God's eternal masculinity. The place gets messed up because God is a guy. Natural disasters are just proof that He eats over the sink.
A female Deity would also keep a different kind of company. Abraham, Moses, Joseph Smith—the guys that God picks for his posse are obvious bros, men who wiped their hands on their robes and never cooked anything indoors in their lives. If God were a woman, She wouldn't have anything to do with a bunch of unkempt wanderers. She would have a gay best friend, someone with a sense of style and a kitchen to die for, someone a lot more like Neil Patrick Harris than Mohammed, and the GBF would be the one passing out the commandments.
And you'd better believe there'd be some editing there, girlfriend.