A dictionary for non-believers
by: Bernardo Arroyo
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The jargon of religious matters may be somewhat cryptical for non believers. In order to make those who have never heard a word about the supernatural (those poor precious few, if any) less unconfortable when people around them talk with pious words; I propose that we write a dictionary. This will be an invaluable tool for those pristine minds so they can understand the realm of the mystical (or at lest look like they do). Let's help them see how lucky they had been before they read this dictionary and before they allowed all this nonsense enter their minds.
Here is a starter contribution, perhaps some others will pour their knowledge for this angelic project.
Afterlife - A dream which ceases to be dreamt in case of death.
Apocryphal - A lie considered untrue by liars. [Did I steal this from somewhere? It souds familiar.]
Bible - The complete collection! Get all two millenium year old christian fiction in one book. Buy this collection, and you'll get several Hebrew fiction texts for free.
Blasphemy - Religious opinion which includes adjectives unapproved by said religion.
Canon - The pompous Catholic way to group all their myths.
Communion - A type of diet based on unsweetened wheat wafers and red wine.
Creation - First chapter in all books of myths.
Curia - Mafia with Catholic credentials.
Divine - Imaginary.
Dogma - Latin for "because I say so".
Eucharist - The Catholic version of alchemy in which bread and wine are transformed into bread and wine.
Faith - A willful decision to believe in something, even in the unbelievable.
Gospel - Anonymous Christian legend.
Hell - Time spent in church.
Heresy - Unofficial paraphrase of relogious subject matter.
Holy - As an adjective it commands believers to suppress reasoning regarding whichever subject it is applied to.
Immaculate conception - Catholic way to describe spontaneous generation.
Laity - Willing victims of fraud.
Martyrdom - Medical condition in which an acute concentration of faith reaches lethally toxic levels.
Miracle - Name given to the "deus ex machina" tool in christian mythology.
Paradise - A great album by Styx.
Prayer - Inner dialogue with an imaginary friend of divine proportions.
Purgatory - A specific hell for those we plan to forgive one day.
Reincarnation - The elusive ultimate tool for field researchers in zoology.
Religion - The most popular role game in human history. Most people play believers, some make a fortune playing priests, but no one yet has ever taken the role of god.
Resurrection - Cadaveric activity reserved exclusively for vampyres and believers.
Sacrament - 1) Rite of passage for Catholic aspirants in several progressive stages through their life. 2) Modus operandi for Catholic officials to earn a living.
Sacred - Something so dirty or contaminated that not even believers want to touch it.
Saint - Contrary to other mythologies, the christian mythological heroes usually fail rather than succeed and are called saints.
Sin - A chameleonical concept used to describe what one religious faction does not like in the behavior, actions, ideas, thoughts, instincts, celular metabolism, molecular activity or quantum dynamics of others.
Trinity - The last resource for holy fiction authors to make a tale about superheroes interesting.
Virgin - Potential victim to supernatural impregnating rape.