Televangelist Application Form
Author Unknown (found in a discussion group and modified.)
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This questionnaire has been developed to identify those whom God has called to the television ministry. Please select the best answer to each question, as it applies to your own life. If possible, be honest in your answers.
- Do you like money?
_Stocks and bonds are nice
_Cash is nicer
- How often do you look at your reflection in a mirror?
_Most of the time
_Once in a while
_When I feel led by the Spirit
- Have you ever started a ministry or Bible school and named it after yourself?
- Do you ever think of yourself as having any of the qualities of great leaders, such as Napoleon, Hitler, or Donald Trump?
_What about Jim Jones?
- Has a 900-foot tall Jesus ever appeared to you and demanded you raise money?
_Well, I think it was Jesus
- Do you have secret aspirations of one day running for president?
_Only if the 900 foot Jesus tells me to
_No, but my wife does
- Do you often have to interrupt a conversation with someone because God speaks to you?
_Just a minute, and I'll get back to you
_Normally it's other people who interrupt my conversations with God
- Do you feel comfortable pointing out to Jesus little areas in which He could improve His operations?
- Do you have any objections to wearing a large wig or a toupee?
_Not if it looks like Jan Crouch's
- Can you sweat profusely while preaching and can you cry at will?
_I could learn
- How many hours a week do you watch TBN and CBN?
_Two or less
_Quit job to devote more time to these networks
- Have you ever cast out a demon?
_Don't think so
_Why, do you need help?
- Do you have a problem with taking money from elderly retirees or exploiting sick and low-income people?
_I would do it to help them
- Can you convince a member of your staff to keep quiet if you have extramarital relations with him or her?
_They would keep quiet for Jesus' sake
_I would humbly beg public forgiveness as a sinner and request donations to pay off the settlement
_I would make up for my losses with a book deal
On a separate sheet of paper, please list ethics, scruples, conscience, or any other debilitating conditions which could prevent you from carrying out the duties of a televangelist in a profitable manner.