Jesus = Coleslaw
by Pastor Douglas Ottney
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After catching up on the messages and musings here at the UCTAA, I've been thinking about how pushy Christians are like the people at barbecues who insistently peddle their coleslaw. First off, I don't like coleslaw. I never have. I've tried just about every variety out there and I still can't stand the stuff, yet at almost every barbecue or picnic I attend, there is someone who insists that I try his or her coleslaw. When I give my usual reply, "No thank you, I don't like coleslaw," their response is inevitably, "But you haven't tried mine."
This drives me nuts. How different could it possibly be?!? It's shredded cabbage with some variety of dressing and occasionally contains raisins or other strange things. The texture, flavour and consistency are all pretty much the same.
These coleslaw pushers remind me of the many vocal Christians that I've encountered over the years. When I tell them that I am Agnostic, they insist that if I tried their particular brand of Christianity (be it Baptist, Lutheran, United, etc.) or a specific congregation / minister I would come back to the flock. Well, I have been to the services of many different Christian denominations, and like coleslaw, aside from some minor differences in the details of the service, they are all pretty much the same.
Now that I am ordained in the UTCAA, I think that I have a good comeback for them. When people ask me to try their coleslaw now, I offer them some delicious pig tails and sauerkraut. When they decline (usually with and expression of disgust), I say, "well you haven't tried mine. " I will use the same tactic with Christians. I'll offer them an Apathetic Agnostic pamphlet, and when they refuse it say, "well you haven't tried mine."