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Agnostic Testimony 6
Here is my testimony.

by Kim

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Here is my testimony. It is not something that I ever thought I would do, write all this and share it with people I don’t know yet but, after reading other testimonies, however, I am suddenly inspired to do the same.

My name is Kim. I was born in 1973, and baptized Roman Catholic. Went to Roman Catholic Primary school. Went to church on occasions with my parents like Xmas and Easter, and some times in between. My parents were not strict for me to follow the religion, and never taught me anything about it; what I know about it was taught to me in school, which was nearly nothing, mostly basics. My elders (aunts uncles, grandparents were all practicing Roman Catholics, heck my grand mother on my dad's side was renamed the church priest for a while by the church goers, due to the fact that the priest wasn't very effective, he liked the wine a little too much lol) They never showed us how to do a rosary, we didn't study the bible, except for little stories about Jesus and stuff. But still I did like a normal kid raised to believe that God exists and Jesus and the bible etc.

Major sin number 1::>> In 1990, I was 17, and this guy  who was 25, was interested in me, and since I never had a real boyfriend, I was very happy that someone, was interested in me. So he promised me the moon and more, and I fell for it. I thought that this guy would be my husband and we would get married and have kids, etc... Like I was always taught that good Catholic girls do. (ya right) And 3 months into the relationship, not married and I get pregnant. OH MY GOODNESS, I have sinned! Now I was the black sheep of the family, unmarried and pregnant at 17. I called my mom and started to explain that this guy was the guy I wanted to spend my life with, was crying like a baby while saying these things, (trying to make myself believe this is what I wanted as well) She said it was OK, and not to worry, etc.. But the rest of the family on my mom's side didn't see it like that. On may 3rd 1991 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.

From then on I lived for my child, everything I did was for her, and was also to get "acceptance" from my family. So in 1992, I decided that I should "do the right thing" and marry her father. I didn't love this man, and married him anyway to "do the right thing". But as I have found out "the right thing" isn't always "the right thing" to do. Can you imagine being at the altar, and it's the time to say "I do" and we are holding hands in front of the whole congregation, and I couldn’t stop looking in the crowd for some reason I was so shy, and he said to me, with the priest right there in front of us, " Look at me in the eyes God damnit!" When the priest asked if "I do" you can believe that for a fraction of  a second, I wanted to say "I DON"T!", but in order to fulfill "the do the right thing rule" I said I do, and will always regret doing so. I endured, ridicule, abuse, both mentally and physically, the victim of a possessive and controlling spouse, all for the sake of "doing the right thing", for  2 more years.

Major sin number 2::>> On October 26th 1994, I had enough, and just took all the stuff I could bring with me, and my daughter and left. (Note: This was his birthday lol nice birthday present isn’t it?) Went to live at my parents house, but was told to not think I’d be living here for long that I better find myself somewhere else to live fast cause my mom wouldn't allow me to live under her roof, with a child and she was in no way going to be a baby-sitter for this child. My dad on the other hand understood me, he even told me while crying silently, "you didn't have to marry that guy", I said but I would of appreciated you could of told me this BEFORE I married the guy. But what was done was done and the past was the past, and I had to now face the future whatever it may be. I went to my lawyer and asked for a legal separation.

So I went on my adventure, being a single mom living on my own. Then in 1996 I fell in love. This was real love. Not "forced" love. And it was great. The only thing is, I was committing a 3rd major sin lol. The one of adultery. Since I wasn't divorced, and plus, the fact that I am separated from my "husband" is a sin in it's self, I’m committing so many sins I can't even count lol. I'm going to "Hell" 10 times now and I'm just 23 lol. So we started to live together in 1997. He was an alcoholic, and a cocaine user but I didn't realize this till several months into the relationship, I cried so much wanting him to stop this stuff. Apart from all that stuff this guy was great. Even when drunk or high he wasn't the abusing kind. And I felt like there was eventually going to be light at the end of this tunnel.

 In 1997, I got pregnant with our first son. I gave birth to him on June 4th 1998 at 2:13 am. But this wasn't a "normal" birth. 1 week prior to giving birth to him, at 37 weeks the doctors sent me to do an ultrasound, to see the size of the baby, since my daughter was a whopping 10 pounds 12 ounces and 24 inches long, they didn't want me going to 40 weeks if he was big enough to come out after the ultrasound results, they would induce me to have him the day after the ultrasound. But instead, at the ultrasound I found out that my baby had died, that he wasn't even alive inside of me anymore. I was told " ma'am, we have a small problem, well actually a big one, ,,,your baby is dead". I was pregnant at 37 weeks, and told my baby I was carrying was dead. And that it was a "small" problem. So the next day they tried inducing me, so I could have him and get it over with. It didn't work, so they said to come back next week so they could try it again. I spent a whole week, with a dead baby inside of me. What do you think that feels like? How do you think this screwed up my head? Going to the store, I would get "hi! so how's the little mamma, and that little bundle of joy doing?" and I had to answer:" well not too bad, just that the bundle of joy is dead", I got one lady that looked at me like I was crazy, turned around and bolted for the door. If there was a "God", I do not think he would let someone suffer this type of torture! After this, I have had so many doubts, and just felt like I was told by this "God" that I'm not worth it, that I'm a loser and always will be so to live with it, and that no one will be my saviour, cause I'm such a loser, no one cares for me. So why should I care? I tried and tried to understand why God let me go through this, people said, well God took him, cause he probably would of been a vegetable and couldn't of let you live with a vegetable kid, How can he decided what I can live with and what I cannot live with? That was not his right to do that. I would say, "he did a mistake" and tried to fix his "mistake" by sending me twins boys (which I gave birth too in 1999), but people said, "he don't make mistakes" well I tell them he did with me, and it would start such the nice conversation lol. So this is the first incident that made me start to think that all this "God" talk was more than likely not true, and that unless I get a message from a man that comes from the sky, saying " believe in me I'm here, I exist" or I see a miracle happen in front of my eyes, I will continue to believe in what is fact and morals, not any type of religion or God or good book that I now see isn't THAT good.

I was a bit hypocritical, (another sin, oh my), and went to church when I was pregnant with the twins, and every time I would go to church I would fall unconscious, just out right faint after being there for about 5 mins. Now I was starting to think that I was probably carrying the kid of the devil or something, lol, anyhow kept on going , kept on fainting and after I gave birth, I did "the right thing" and had them baptized. I now believe that a child, shouldn't get baptized till they are old enough to decide by themselves what religion they want to follow. But around here, in a French Canadian mostly, Roman Catholic society, if you don't get them baptized you are a fool, you are ridiculed, etc...But yet you are not supposed to ridicule anyone, or call anyone a fool, it's a sin is what I read, but seems 99.9% of all Roman Catholic people around here have not read the bible or need to re read it. At least read the Matthew part. lol. So again they got me doing the right thing lol.

I'm 32, and always prayed when something went wrong, although I never really believed someone was listening, and would never "see" any result from it,  the only time, I believed that someone was listening was after my grand mother passed away, I prayed in despair for my current common law husband to stop drinking alcohol and snorting cocaine up his nose, so we would have a better life, us and our two kids. And he stopped everything that next day, and 6 years later he is still clean and sober. But I didn't ask God I asked my grand mother. At least she is listening I guess. See I don't completely believe in the "after life" scenario, but I do believe that I am very "spiritual" and believe that most likely that some how by some super power, (not God  related) that we do exist some how, in another world walking parallel to this one, in "spirit form". This is the only thing "close" to the religion I believe in. I haven't done any "research" but have had some proof that there are spirit forms around us trying to communicate, this is why I believe in this, if I didn't have any proof, I wouldn't. Unless I am completely so insane that I need to be hospitalized, I do have proof of this, because of multiple experiences I have encountered lol.

My second eye opener, to the fact that there is no GOD:>> My parents, been married over 35 years. My parents were very active, took care of themselves very well, watching their eating habits, not smoking not drinking, never fight with each other, never said nothing bad about anyone, never wished bad things to anyone, loved their enemies like their friends, I could say they were a "saintly" couple. They worked all their lives, hard workers they were, they are now 57 years of age and at 52 my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She is now, 5 years later stuck in a nursing home, because it has advanced so fast it's not funny. HOW Can "GOD" let this happen to such people??????????? They never did nothing wrong, they are law abiding citizens, they followed the ten commandments, etc..., SO why ????? This is not fair, of him to do this? if he exists? How can I have faith, and love and compassion for a person that could be accountable for all these things? I don't understand, and don't want to hear excuses anymore. There is no God in my eyes like I said above unless I "see" tangible proof.

32, non practicing Roman Catholic, with no more faith, NEVER took the time to read the bible, so I figured I guess I’ll give this religion one last shot, that maybe I'm jumping the gun in deciding to change religions. So this past week I decided to take a peek at this "good book", that the twins received at their baptism, 6 years ago, it's been sitting there for 6 years. So I open it and start reading it. It's in french, and it's the "current version of the new testament, so it's translated in "normal french" language so the kids can understand it better.

All my life I was told, to love everyone, to not judge till I have lived in their shoes, to not be racist, (which I am not and never will be) I accept everyone as they are and always will. Then I start reading this book and see that Jesus called the people in synagogues hypocrites. hmm wow, I am so shocked. That this "good" book can say things like this, then I read more, and more, and more, and see this "hypocrite" word being used over and over again. Who is the hypocrite here? One verse says " love thy neighbour" the other says' my neighbour is a hypocrite"?? I do not get it. This book talks like the Catholics are the best people in the world, most saintly people etc.. heck I LIVE in a mostly roman catholic community and SEE that this is bull crap! The people don't even know what is in this book, and DO NOT abide by ANYTHING THAT IS IN THIS BOOK! They are all hypocrites themselves! But yet can judge everyone else that doesn't follow the "rule" book! This a vicious circle we live it isn't it? I live right in front of a catholic church and see the people that go there, some days in the summer time I'm sitting on the porch watching them go in, they look at me like I'm below them because I do not go, what does it say in the "good book" it says don't judge, that the only person that will judge is God, yet they are going to praise the "good book" in their church! ugh,  HYPOCRITES! Now I'm starting to know why this word is used so often in the "good book" lol. Maybe in the olden days, this book was useful, but these days, I think that for at least 90% of the western population, this been thrown out the window, with all their morals as well. This not the olden days, and the everyday news proves that everyday. I think they should make up a newer testament, rule book to go by lol a more contemporary rule book, maybe then I might consider becoming Roman Catholic again, but until I get proof that God exists, or proof that he does not exist, I’ll just continue to be the person I am, try to make myself happy, and believe in one thing I know I can believe in, is, myself.. I’m not a great writer, I’m just  a simple person, a French person lol, so if anything seems weird when you read it, or offensive, it’s not meant to be in any way, I do have some trouble expressing my self in the English language sometimes but I try my best lol.

Thanks for listening, this feels so good to have get off my chest.

Kim